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THE FOOTBALLER’S ALPHABET – H IS FOR

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Half-Time Interval during a game which allows just enough time to consume a pie, have a quick pint and smoke one or perhaps two fags. If you're Richard Dunne.

Half-way Line White marking on a pitch which no Liverpool defenders or midfielders should cross, also area from which longshots may be taken at David Seaman, esp in European finals.

Hall, Eric Blubbery monster that lives on cigars and juicy commissions.

Hall, Marcus Tall, intimidating centre forward renown for his heading ability (?)

Hampden Park Home of Scottish international side and venue that is also home to lowly Queens Park. Regularly hosts some very low quality fare, although at least there are only a few internationals a year.

Han, Cemal Notts’ Turkish import who qualifies for the Ronism ‘Little Fella’. Bag of tricks who’s moves often confuse himself and his team mates.

Handbags Ronglish to describe a physical confrontation between non-hardmen. Likely to be accompanied by feigning of injury such as falling to the ground clutching face, rolling around as if hit by bus/tackled by Roy Keane. Often takes place At Ten Paces.

H'Angus The Monkey Mascot of Hartlepool United, named after the residents of that town hanged a monkey on suspicion of being a French spy. Hangus recently, and successfully, ran for local government office but completely spoiled things by then taking off his monkey suit and trying to be a serious politician.

Hapoel Tel-Aviv European superpower who proved too strong for Chelsea in the prestigious UEFA Cup. Not, as Sir Alex Ferguson would have us believe, the same as Maccabi Haifa.

Hardman Thuggish midfielder, esp. in Seventies, who made up for lack of footballing ability by kicking people a lot.

Henchoz, Stephane Liverpool goalkeeper.

Hendry, Colin The most Scottish-looking man ever

Henry, Thierry Brilliant French striker with no elbows. Amusing absence of Va-va-voom in the World Cup.

Hereford United Non-league team famous for a goal against Newcastle that has been repeated on Football Focus every FA Cup third-round day for the last thirty years. Not much else really. Is in England and not Wales.

Hidiink, Guus Dutch by birth, famous for coaching teams in Spain and Italy, as well as the South Korean national side. Still speaks better English than most of the England team.

Highbury Noted North London library with excellent French-speaking section.

Higuita, Rene Extrovert Colombian goalie famous for scorpion kick save, hideous soul-glo perm and costly walkabouts with the ball during games (see Barthez, Fabien)

Hislop, Shaka After Jason McAteer, the second rocket scientist to play Premiership football.

Hitler, Adolf Just one of the many hilarious impressions in the repertoire of Mark Bosnich. It is understood that the Australian comic genius has gone into hiding while he perfects his Pavarotti.

Hillier, Richard Worringly organised footballer who comes to matches with everything you need and a whole lot more besides. See Ginola, David, L’Oreal & Flip Flops

Hitman Tabloid for striker, even one who couldn't score in a brothel. See Forlan, Diego.

Hoddle, Glenn Legendary Eighties singer turned religious teacher. Mad as a box of paint.

Holland Nation famed for producing hugely talented footballers and even more hugely talented arguers. Strong believers in taking a full squad to a tournament and sending half of them home before a ball's been kicked. Look out for new discovery, Roy Van Keen.

Hollywood Ball Famous Ronism for a pass attempted that is unlikely to reach its target for the cameras without the slightest likelihood of it coming off. Allegedly inspired by the film Escape to Victory, starring the famous Hollywood actors Sylvester Stallone and Russell Osman.

Holte End, The Home of the Doug Ellis fanclub and some of Britain's most dedicated moaners.

Homesick Reason given by foreign player, ideally Brazilian, for leaving some northern hell-hole or other. Usually followed by move to Spain or Italy.

Hoodoo Word only used in football. See also Sign, Indian.

Hoof (usually "hoof it") Ingenious tactical instruction favoured by Graham Taylor, Jack Charlton, Joe Kinnear etc.

Hopeful The type of shot usually attempted from 30 yards or more by a less than talented midfield toiler. See Thomas, Geoff.

Hospital Ball Pass that leaves the recipient in severe danger of injury from onrushing attackers. Also Spurs Christmas party.

Houllier, Gerard Bug-eyed French manager noted for dancing naked with UEFA Cup, making Liverpool any good again, mind-blowingly dull football and continuing to provide employment for Phil Thompson.

Howarth, Scott. Tough tackling, if slowish defender for Notts Threes. See Tattoos, Frightening

Howler Goalkeeping blunder, implying gross stupidity or negligence, often bordering on temporary insanity. See Barthez, Fabien.

Huddersfield Won league three times in a row, admittedly in days when football was still played between whole villages with inflated pig's bladder.

Hung, Well Alternative name for Dion's Syndrome.

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