I had on me blue and white boxers that had more skiddies than a Jeremy Clarkson road test after a pulsating but predictably totally shite sheepshaggers derby at Portman Rd between George (I'll be out with the decorations) Girly's Ipshite Town and Nigel and Delias, Norwich Shitty.

It was a hard fought but goalless first half where the only excitement was whether Andy (Judas) Marshall would break under the relentless barrage of abuse hurled at him by his Naaaridge ex fan base. In the second half their abuse turned to "there’s only one Andy Marshall..!!" after his goal mouth blunder (pushed by at least three budgies!!) led to Shitty midfieder and man of the match Malky Mackay knocking the loose ball into the back of the net. "uhmmm scuse me Mr Durkin, I don't like to disturb you but..THAT WAS A FOOKIN PUSH YOU SHORTSIGHTED GINGER TWAT…" I commented to the ref at his post match interview.

"Take it up with my solicitors, Kev." he replied "hmmm well you take this oop your briefs too" I said as I shoved me Mike where the sun don't shine. After a brief scuffle with the police I was able to see the replay of Town’s equaliser which came in the 95th minute after Darren Bent knocked a deserved Penalty against the post. Pablo Coontago followed it in and managed to save baby Bent from a public hanging on the Ipswich Cornhill. Pleased to report that mine was only one of three arrests on the day…I'll be out by Christmas Mum. Just in time to Read Girly's CV at the job centre