Nottinghamshire FC Fanzine

	Barking At The Moon
	The Unofficial Fanzine of Nottinghamshire FC

Return to Fanzine Home		Return to Nottinghamshire FC Home

THE FOOTBALLER’S ALPHABET – B IS FOR

Back To Contents

Babbel, Markus Influential Liverpool defender and German international who, in one of the most surreal football stories of all time, was "cured" of a serious debilitating disease by Chris DeBurgh. May be the real inspiration for the diminutive Argentine-Irishman's ever popular hit The Lady In Red.

Back Door, The Something that must be kept tightly shut to ensure an effective defensive display. Presumably so that Peter Enckelman can leave it open when no-one is looking.

Back Stick, The A semi-mythical region believed to be located toward the far post where, Ron has taught us, someone (usually referred to as "The Big Lad") must "take a gamble" in case the ball is "stood up" in that direction.

Bacon-slicer Inexplicable scourge of managers everywhere. See McCarthy, Mick.

Badge, Spotter's No idea what this means. See Atkinson, Ron.

Bag, Burst The Onion Simile used for scoring a goal when all others have been used. Particularly popular with Sunday League enthusiasts and Roy Of The Rovers writers.

Bagatelle Ronism for ball pinging off several players in the box to hilariously comic effect.

Baggies Fans of West Bromwich Albion. See Skinner, Frank and Accents, Annoying.

Baggio, Roberto Lovely player, terrible ponytail. Was reported to be signing for Spurs after members of media swore they saw him in carpark at White Hart Lane. Turned out to be a steward.

Ball, Alan Ginger squeaker unlikely to equal Mario Zagallo and Franz Beckenbauer's record of winning World Cup finals as both player and coach. Brothers Bobby and Benny went on to form comedy partnerships with Tommy Cannon and Top Cat respectively. Maybe.

Ball, Going For The Absurd claim made by Roy Keane, Patrick Vieira etc as they hack yet another player to the ground in a pique of anger. Sometimes accompanied by a hand gesture akin to a gypsy looking into a crystal ball, esp when protesting to a continental referee.

Ballooned See Forlan, Diego.

Bandwagon Special horseless carriage designed to convey Prawn Sandwich-munching ManYoo fans from Exeter to the Theatre Of Dreams on a match day.

Banjo, Couldn't Hit A Cow's Arse With A See Barn Door, Couldn't Hit A and Akinbiyi, Ade

Bank Holiday Monday National holiday (traditionally on a Monday). First introduced in 1903 as a means to allow two football matches in one weekend.

Barcelona City which hosted the greatest and most courageous comeback in the history of professional sport on a glorious night in 1999 that no person living at the time will ever forget. It was in the 89th minute when substitute Teddy… (continued ad nauseam in any commentary by Clive Tyldesley). Also has its own football team, apparently.

Bargy, Argy Headline guaranteed to appear in all tabloids leading up to and immediately following every England versus Argentina clash.

Barn Door, Couldn't Hit A See Banjo, Couldn't Hit A Cow's Arse With A and Akinbiyi, Ade

Barnet As the advert for a shower gel went: "covers everything from your Arsenal to your Barnet." Has sloping pitch. First league sighting of Fry, Barry.

Banter Like Aggro, but for middle-class people.

Barnes, John Rapper and model who recommended quaffing Lucozade Isotonic as a cure for "90 minutes of sheer hell". Sales immediately rose among those forced to sit through one of his many non-performances for England.

Barnsley Yorkshire club who really were in the Premiership once, no matter how crazy it sounds today.

Barthez, Fabien Bald, mad keeper. Famed for attempting to fool a goal-bound Paolo Di Canio with a raised, traffic policeman-type arm. Failed.

Bassett, Dave Professional swearer also said to be football manager. Known as Harry. Often touted as specialist in keeping struggling clubs up. Isn't. See Relegation

Bastard The referee is one. And so are any teams from north of Aylesbury.

Bates, Ken Shy, bearded type, with passing resemblance to Papa Smurf, who has taken Chelsea to the brink of being quite good/financial ruin.

Batty, David Angry Midfield Terrier from Yorkshire who was far more effective at kicking people than stationary balls into net from twelve yards. Seemed unable to pass ball forward at international level, only sideways.

BBC Channel that apparently once showed live League football.

Beach Soccer - Barefoot variation played predominantly in coastal regions of Brazil. Failed to take off in UK after a series of nasty incidents involving sharp stones, discarded syringes and dog shit.

Beauty, You F****** Popular expression used by FA-Cup-winning captains as they proudly hold the trophy aloft, and all within earshot of the Duchess of Kent! Except if you're Roy Keane and you harbour a particular dislike for the famous trophy, in which case replace "Beauty" with "Bastard"

Bedded Phrase that only ever appears in tabloid newspapers, used to describe the sexual conquests of football stars. See also Romp; Dyer, Kieron; Yorke, Dwight; Jordan; Mackenzie, Lindsey Dawn; and so on ad nauseam.

Behr, Dani See Bedded; Bosnich, Mark; Giggs, Ryan; Ferdinand, Sir Les and others.

Beckenbauer, Franz German defender known as the Kaiser. Wife stayed with him even though he knocked up a secretary. Showed surprisingly amusing and un-German sense of humour by saying: "This has been a very difficult time for both of us. Especially my wife."

Beckham, David Celebrated fashionista, cultural icon, occasional musician, father, patriot and role model. Has no elbows.

Beckham, Victoria Talented singer and author. See Arse, Up The

Bell, Colin Undeniably Manchester City's greatest ever player, nicknamed Nijinsky. Club were going to name the new Platt Lane stand after him but felt the 'Bell End' was just too much.

Bellies, Five Fat knacker Geordie sidekick of fat knacker Geordie. Ate mince pie full of cat shit. Burnt bridge of nose with lighter for five seconds to win bet. Suffered indignity of Gazza buying a robot and programming it to go into Five Bellies' room and say "Make me a cup of tea, fat man." See Gascoigne, Paul.

Benfica Portuguese side who have featured great players like Eusebio and Scott Minto Recently announced plans for a new stadium - to be called 'Roker Park'.

Bike See Behr, Dani

Bilic, Doing A Falling to the ground clutching one's face as if the passing opponent had landed a hefty Glasgow kiss on your puss. Later refined by Rivaldo for touchline use.

Birmingham City Club nicknamed Blues, in tribute to the movies peddled by Chairman David Gold. See Brady, Karen.

Birtles, Garry 1980's prototype of Diego Forlan.

Blues, The - Unimaginative, last resort, can't-think-of-anything-better team nickname. Traditionally given to teams which play in blue.

Brady, Karen Hard-faced Managing Director of Birmingham City, married to Paul Peschisolido. Immortalised in numerous amusing terrace songs, all of them too earthy to reprint here.

Board, The People who give a manager their full and vocal support about two days before giving him the sack. See Confidence, The Dreaded Vote Of

Bobble, The Ball Took A Bit Of A Excuse for strikers blazing the ball over the bar from ten yards or goalkeepers letting the ball dribble past them into the net. One of Trevor Brooking's favourite commentating phrases.

Boing, Boing, Boing Noise made by Baggies.

Bollix A kind of cubby hole for keeping assorted items with no other appropriate storage space, as in "Stick it up your bollix". See Keane, Roy and McCarthy, Mick.

Boo Boys, The Section of a club's supporters who inexplicably take it upon themselves to target a player for criticism if he is not trying, failing to score for months at a time, being rubbish etc. Phrase heard only in connection with football.

'Boot It!' Instruction bellowed by managers, fans and forwards at a defender who believes he can dribble the ball past all the opposition from his own by-line.

Boot Room, The Place where boots and Liverpool managers are kept.

Borussia Moenchengladbach - upon the advent of European competition, one of the teams chiefly responsible for forcing dyslexic sports journalists to hang up their typewriters.

Bosman, Jean-Marc Belgian footballer whose heroic stance has nobly allowed footballers to earn even more money.

Bosnich, Mark Goalkeeper and gourmand. Recently divorced despite romantic gesture of being arrested outside lap-dancing club on morning of wedding. Weight problem at Manchester United was first noticed when Bosnich gashed his leg in training and gravy poured from the open wound. See Behr, Dani (everyone else has).

Boston United Popular side from fashionable Lincolnshire who have eschewed all traditional plucky non-league stereotypes (eg goalie-cum-postman up at 5am on matchdays, sloping pitch etc) in favour of cheating their way through the leagues (see also FA, Bungs, Chesterfield, Swindon). Currently propping up the whole football league.

Bovril Watered-down gravy drink. Only ever drunk at football matches. Subject of long and unfunny joke about Rangers and Celtic by Billy Connolly.

Bowyer, Doing A (verb) To miss out on a big ruck your mates get into, because you have failed to keep up with their lightning pace even though you are a Premiership footballer and they are not.

Bradford City Yorkshire club who really were in the Premiership once, no matter how crazy it sounds today.

Brazil Minor footballing nation whose major significance is that they also hate Argentina.

Brazil, Alan Footballer turned pundit whose finest hour came in Talksport Radio exchange with Mike Parry thus:
AB: "It was so sad to hear this morning of the death of John Shaw."
MP: "That's John Thaw, Alan"
AB: "Do you know, I keep getting his name wrong. John, if you're listening, sorry mate."

Brazil, Blue Nickname of Cowdenbeath, gained after they once had a successful season.

'Brazil, It's Just Like Watching' Song sung by any rubbish team when they occasionally string more than two passes together. Thought to originate from Barnsley.

Bremner, Billy Mild-mannered Caledonian playmaker, who set the tone for Leeds United teams of the future with astounding displays of thuggery - usually escaping unpunished.

Brian The Postman Birmingham-based mail deliverer bearing remarkable facial similarity to Dwight Yorke, oft-sighted in city's nightclubs (and later in Sunday newspaper kiss-and-tells) prior to Yorke's departure for Manchester United. Flashed surprising amount of cash for a postal worker and lived in mansion studded with Yorke-related memorabilia, but was definitely not him. Honest.

Brian?, Well How About That - Phrase used in any timewarped comedy sketch when depicting football commentators.

Bristol City A football club, but never mind about that, it's also slang for a lady's dirty pillows.

Broadside, A Throwaway, mundane remark that, once reproduced by one of our tabloid newspapers, becomes not only the gospel truth but also a savage character assassination.

Brolin, Thomas - Danced round England in Euro 1992 and, for a while, was brilliant. Then went to Leeds and became fat and rubbish. Crystal Palace fans still weep at the day he was made assistant manager. Later sold hoovers and shoes online, made record with Doctor Alban, jacuzzi video with assorted stunnas and got into various scraps outside nightclubs.

Brooking, Trevor Nice but very boring man who talks about West Ham for a living.

Broom, New Something a new manager tends to bring with him. Not sure why.

Bruce, Steve Flat-nosed defender who saw huge success as a player, and absolutely no success as the manager of ________________ (Enter virtually every lower division club here). At time of writing, is manager of Birmingham City. See Hobo, Littlest.

Brucie, Brucie, What's The Score? Question asked by Anfield regulars in the 1980's, and subsequently by Malaysian Gambling Syndicates, The News Of The World and various legal types.

Bubbles, I'm Forever Blowing Song sung by West Ham fans. Also punchline of eighties joke about Michael Jackson.

Bung Traditional method of precipitating player transfers in the days before the game was poisoned by blood-sucking agents. See Service Stations, Motorway and Graham, George.

Busby, Sir Matt Great player for Liverpool and Manchester City about whose later career little is known. So thick was his Scottish accent, occupation is actually listed in 1930s Mancunian census as "fruitboiler".

Busst, David One of the most horrific broken legs ever. Led to Peter Schmeichel throwing up at the side of the pitch. Poor Busst. Unfortunate name, as well.

Butcher, Terry Former England 'battling' defender and some-time co-commentator. Famous for loving Lee Bowyer for the way he "goes around whacking everyone" and split-head war casualty routine during 1989 World Cup qualifying match against Sweden.

Butt, Nicky - painfully ginger Man United/England midfielder (see Scholes, Paul) whose name provides gleeful opportunities for pundits/commentators to indulge in sniggersome schoolboy innuendo along the lines of "Pele likes Butt". See also Camara, Titi; Fucks; Argel; Kuntz, Stefan; Seaman, David; Shittu, Danny et al.

Barking At The Moon