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THE FOOTBALLER’S ALPHABET – A IS FOR

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Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, Ooooooooooooh You're Shit Friendly greeting for opposition goalkeeper, esp. when he is running up to take a goal kick. Particularly popular in the early Eighties but still in use at lower division clubs in the regions.

Acting Profession with a fatal lure for footballers. The results are invariably pitiful. See Cantona, Eric; Jones, Vinnie; Victory, Escape Tn

AFC Bournemouth Trick answer to the question "name the first English league side alphabetically"?

Afters Synonym for pudding, but also for the tasty after-effects of physical challenges or the row that follows a hard tackle. Often served UP by Midfield Terriers.

Airshot A complex but highly-amusing comic move. See Akinbiyi. Ake.

Akinbiyi, Ade Muscle-bound former Bristol City, Wolves, Leicester and now Crystal Palace striker, famed only for his staggering ineptitude in front of goal. See Barn Door, Couldn't Hit A, Banjo, Couldn't Hit A Cows Arse With A

Alcock, To Do An To trip over a non-existent obstacle and fall to the floor in an embarrassing and ladylike manner.

All Day, All Day A footballing expression which denotes the air of ease at which one team is controlling a game to the point of total domination. This witticism derives from the Pet Shops Boys nu-disco whimsy 'Domino Dancing'

Ambition As in: "I want to move to a club with ambition", A small, elegant-sounding word which replaces the inelegant:
"I am joining that club because they will give me more money".

Ameobi, Foluwashola (Shola) Newcastle and England U21 striker who, when asked what nickname Sir Bobby Robson had given him, replied "Carl Cort".

Angle, Reverse Sneaky camera angle apparently completely beyond the understanding of Roy Keane, Patrick Vieira and other Midfield Terriers.

Aplomb As in "Teddy Sheringham brought the ball under control, turned and fired it into the net with aplomb." One of those words you only ever really hear in football. Nice.

Archibald, Steve Worzel Gummidge lookalike, famed for being the other striker when Garth Crooks scored 10,000 goals in one season for Spurs. Also wooed crowds at Barcelona and... Airdrie.

Argyle, Plymouth Football club named after an area in Scotland, despite being at the other end of Great Britain. Famous for having a stadium called Home Park, which has been the subject of many a witty remark by opposing supporters, as in "How can it be an away match if we're playing at Home?" Boom, and indeed, boom.

Army, Ally's Supremely confident Scottish team of World Cup Argentina 1978. Returned home after three games.

Aristocracy, Footballing A loose term for the country's bigger clubs - inexplicably still includes Everton and Aston Villa

Arse, In Off His Footballers who rarely score often put these in their mental "greatest hits" package. Very common at Sunday League level. Also see Goater. Shaun.

Arthur, Chris A well known Notts footballer and club embezeller, sorry, Treasurer. Recently the prod Dad of a baby girl. Mum and Dad both doing well. Congratulations, Chris!!

Atmosphere, No Phrase often uttered by away fans leaving The Library,

Australia Country formerly managed by Terry Venables, brilliant at putting 80 past tiny Polynesian islands with a population of nine, crap otherwise. Tragically lost to football power nation Iran at the last hurdle of World Cup qualification 1998 and Uruguay before the 2002 version. Neither result was remotely funny.

Award, Academy A prestigious trophy given for exceptional play-acting, diving or faking of injury. From Ronglish, almost exclusively used in reference to a foreign, ideally Latin, player. See Ginola, David.

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