Nottinghamshire FC Fanzine

	Barking At The Moon
	The Unofficial Fanzine of Nottinghamshire FC

Return to Fanzine Home		Return to Nottinghamshire FC Home

Sex, Lies And Video Tape Evidence

Back to Previous Page

The Column That Brings You “The Truth” About The Footballers Of Nottinghamshire F.C.
1	As we all know, February is the month for lovers, and fanzine readers will be glad to hear that Notts players have been making a fool of themselves left right and centre during the testosterone season. First of all we have the bald headed, virile, ‘love machine’ that is Wayne Elmhirst. It is reported that ‘Mr. Lover Lover’ was caught snogging a bird on the dancefloor by his bird on a Friday night before a recent Notts game. A woman’s revenge can be terrible though and this was swift and just as Wayne was late for the game on Saturday as he’d been humiliated by being sent out to the chemists to buy some tampons for his girlfriend.
2	Next we have none other than Mr. Neil Mitchell who was spotted sporting a rather large love bite on his neck after a recent game. Speculation grew as to who might have put it there until Speno and Willo decided that Mitch was probably “gummed on” by some old woman who had temporarily removed her dentures.
3	There’s no true love like first love. Definitely smitten is young Scott Henson who not only drags his long suffering girlfriend to matches at Bluecoat, but also invites her to see him off to away games in the pub car park. BIG MISTAKE. As the Second team lads are standing around waiting for everyone else to turn up, Scott appears from the pub with his true love who is carrying a red rose given to her by the romantic Mr. Henson. As you can imagine, this action brought more than a few comments from certain individuals, including the chief DJ, John ’Enrique’ Colclough who proceeded to serenade the two love birds with a medley of hits from his karaoke collection. Undeterred, young Scotty even walked his young lady to the bus stop. Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
4	Speaking of the DJ called Colclough, we hear John certainly enjoyed working on Valentine’s Night as he announced that he would only play requests that evening if he received a snog from the girl making the request. Legend has it that they were queuing up to put their tongues down Enrique’s throat. Of course, this is John’s version—the truth is probably less entertaining.
5	How long do you keep you New Year resolutions for? Probably longer than Nick ’Pitbull’ Dracott. Nick calmly announced that he was now cycling to work, coming training regularly and that his “new fitness regime starts here” . Nick promptly breaks his toe playing 5-a-side and is sidelined from all physical activity for the next ten weeks!
6	At least Nick got the right day to come training. We hear that third teamer Keenan Wilson was somewhat frustrated to find the gates of Trinity Sixth Form locked when he arrived for training at 8 p.m. on WEDNESDAY evening!!
7	Along with Nick Dracott on the injured list is broken leg victim Matt Morley. Matt, like Mark Lacey before him, has a plaster cast on his leg right up to his hip, and is obviously unable to work. Nice to report then that a collection was made from all three teams to help give Matt some money to tide him over and a very healthy sum was handed on to Matt the following week. Many thanks to everyone who contributed and we all wish Matt a speedy recovery.
8	As any manager will tell you, having help on a Saturday afternoon is a godsend. If a player can offer to carry stuff, clean up, collect money, then the many jobs you have to do are made much easier. Rick Hillier is certainly one of those players. Bit much though that after being 4th sub for the Threes in a recent Notts game, running the line and not getting on, Rick helps sweep the changing rooms out afterwards only to be asked by manager Rob Johnson to take the kit!!! Is this a case of Captain Bob taking loyalty a bit too far??
9	Nice to see some of our younger players turn up for games in their fashionable attire. Remember the 60 quid paint splattered t-shirt sported by Marco Stasic? Well now we have his equally well turned out friend Jason Page who has been seen wearing a pair of Nike shoes that resemble pig’s trotters. These light slip on shoes, that look vaguely like slippers, have a seam that runs between your toes, looking as if your foot is split in half. Will Jason be "hoofing it up the park" in his next few games we wonder?
10	A player who is definitely NOT fashion conscious is striker Anthony Dickinson. After complaining that he couldn’t control the ball at training because of the “bobbly astroturf” (???) it was obvious that Tone needed some new footwear. So you need some new boots. What DON’T you do? You DON’T buy a pair of cheap white boots costing 14 quid that everyone takes the piss out of mercilessly in the changing rooms BEFORE games, DURING games and AFTER games! Were the white boots to go with your white stick in front of goal, Tony??
11	Much has been made of the Alex Ferguson/David Beckham boot throwing incident in the press recently. Notts 1st XI have their own crosswords in the changing rooms at times too. There the similarity ends though as keeper Dave Edwards informed manager Colin Spencer that the boot throwing wouldn’t be a problem at Notts because “you’d definitely miss, Colin”
12	They say that the quiet ones are always the worst, don’t they? Maybe this is true of Second team midfield player Matt Riley who when given a Saturday off because his side didn’t have a game decided to go and watch Forest when they played Crystal Palace at home. We hear that Matt didn’t get to see all the game live as he was ejected from the ground for pissing up a wall!! Did you get back in time to watch the rest of the game on Sky, Matt?
13	At least Matt was paying attention to the game at Forest (for most of the time). This is more than can be said for his midfield partner Neil Buxton who is obviously very weak at Maths. In the recent Notts Twos game against Southwell Amateurs, Neil was getting increasingly frustrated as the minutes ebbed away and couldn’t understand why his team mates were taking their time with throw ins and carrying the ball to the corner flag in the last few minutes. Snatching the ball his annoyance boiled over and he shouted, “Come on we’re not going to settle for a draw!” Strange then that Neil hadn’t realised that the goal he’d scored not five minutes before had put his side 3-2 ahead!!
14	The rivalry that exists between the Buxton twins is legendary. This season it has been third team wing back Nigel Buxton who has (just) got the upper hand on the goal scoring front. What has been interesting is that the two of them have been planning and designing special t-shirts with slogans on that they are hoping to display, Thierry Henry style when they score their next goals. Trouble is they still haven’t done the t-shirts and as they have BOTH scored for the last two Saturdays running, it is increasingly unlikely that either two will net again before the end of the season!
15	Saturday 25th January, 2003 is not going to be a date remembered fondly by too many Notts players or officials. It has been christened as ’Crap Saturday’ with all three teams losing, goals for—4, goals against—12, 6 players getting booked, 1 getting sent off and Matt Morley breaking his leg! No more days like this, PLEASE!
16	Be warned when it comes to your turn to wash the kit. Make sure you do a good job and don’t leave anything at home. Before Notts Twos game against Southwell, Dave Smith’s gran was accused of losing an outfield shirt, two goalkeepers tops, a sub suit and a sponge from the bucket!! Is she a cleptomaniac, Dave? (look it up!) Website Editors Note - Shouldn't that be kleptomaniac? Considering the fanzine is written by a school teacher is it any wonder we worry about educational standards today!!
17	Some interesting ‘Statto’ facts on Penalties for those people who take an interest in these things! PENALTY COUNT…………………... 1st XI Scored 1, missed 2 (excluding shoot outs in Cup matches) 2nd XI NONE awarded all season. FIVE given to opponents. 3rd XI Scored 7, missed 1 Been teaching your forwards to dive, Bob? Can you come and give the Twos a few lessons, please? At least the Second team have a 100% record!!
18	Congratulations to First XI player John Smalley who takes the accolade for being the first player to actually throw up at training. As Colin was taking training on the evening in question, it is reported that regular trainer Tim Salmon is most dis-chuffed that Speno should get someone to puke before he did and that he will be doubling the number of shuttles and sprints in an attempt to draw level at some point in the future!
19	Hey, who’s this 1980’s sex god?? Who could resist his charms?? Where the bloody hell did he get that jumper? How come he’s still managing to hold down a place in the 1st XI? I think we should be told!!!!!

Barking At The Moon