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THE FOOTBALLER’S ALPHABET – W & X IS FOR

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Apologies for missing out letters m—v in this series. Unfortunately they were lost when the editor’s PC got wiped!!

Waddle, Chris Mullet-headed winger who was king of the step-over, ex-sausage factory worker and half of a Top Twenty pop duo.

Walkabout, Going Tactic favoured by bored/bewildered goalkeepers who want to see at first hand what’s happening near the half-way line. See Barthez, Fabien.

Walker, Des According to the famous song: “You’ll never beat Des Walker.” Played for Nottingham Forest, Sheffield Wednesday and Graham Taylor’s England - so said song is patently untrue.

Walker, Jack Winner of 1994/95 Premiership title.

Walker, Mike Norwich Manager who actually led his team to victory over Bryan Munich. True!

Wallsend Boys Club Apparently the only boys club in the north east ever to produce any good footballers.

W*nker The referee.

Warm-Up Period just before start of match during which player in the starting XI may book himself a comfy seat in the directors’ box instead - usually by ‘feeling a groin’.

Warmuz, Guillaume Newly-acquired Arsenal goalkeeper who looks worryingly like Shania Twain. See Barry, Gareth.

Warning Verbal sanction applied by referees (in place of the regulation red/yellow card) to players who regularly feature in Hello! or OK! magazines.

Warnock, Neil Popular football manager, especially amongst Merseyside-dwelling Frenchmen.

Waterworks See Gascoigne, Paul.

We Love You, So-An-So, We Do All-purpose football chant that seems to belong to a gentler, simpler era.

Welly, Give It Some Unsophisticated tactical instruction heard in parks all over England on Sunday mornings, and also at the Stadium Of Light.

Wembley Old national stadium set to be replaced by new national stadium equally expensive and impossible to reach.

Wemglee What any semi-final goalscorer used to feel, according to tabloid headlines.

Wenger, Arsene Manager who not only can't remember where he was the day JFK was shot, but also still claims never to have seen the incident.

West Prefix for team with perennial bottom-of-the-table status. See Ham, Brom.

Wide Awake Club Ronism to describe a degree of concentration. Generally used in the negative.
As in: "Little Scholesy's played a lovely ball through there, and I'll tell you what, Clive, the big Spanish defender's not in the Wide Awake Club, Van Nistelrooy's stolen in at the back stick and given it the full gun".

Wimbledon See Keynes, Milton. If you’ve got nothing else to do.

Wilson, Bob According to David Seaman: “the funniest man I’ve ever met.” Christ.

Wilkinson, Howard Old-fashioned manager who once insisted that sport is not entertainment. Anyone watching Sunderland will agree.

Win To score more goals then the opposing team. Do not see West Ham, Sunderland.

Wise, Dennis Small creature who does not like cab drivers, teammates who beat him at cards or Christmas gifts involving teddy bears and vibrators.

Withe, Peter Last England international to "wear" a beard.

Woodgate, Jonathan Proud throwback to the days when criminals wore black-and-white stripes.

Wolves Footballing equivalent of zookeeper Botch in the Hair Bear Bunch – always looking in vain for a promotion.

Wolf, Wolfgang Manager of Wolfsburg. Makes ‘Arsene of Arsenal’ look like a cheap knock-off from Wal-Mart.

Womawio Jonathon Woss Descwiption of certain famous 'Bwazilian Stwiker'.

Woodwork Framework of the goal which is, of course, made of metal. Can expand to infinite thickness when necessary. See Second Post; Back Stick, etc.

World Club World Cup Championship Thingy Crap tournament which nevertheless served a useful purpose in making an utter arse of Neville, G on a new stage and allowing Man United to make themselves even more popular worldwide.

Worthington Cup Final Televised Premiership mid-table clash.

Wright, Ian Brilliant striker in his heyday, bloody awful TV presenter on every other day.

Wuuuulverempton, Hi Ho Without doubt the best theme song in football, blarted out by 30,000 of the Black Country's finest with the volume turned down at the critical moment.
The traditional response is, of course, "F*** Off, Wolverhampton".

Xavier, Abel Extraordinary-looking Portuguese defender famed for going garrity at ref in Euro 2000, moving from Everton to Liddypool, having mystery virus that turned out to be a nasty case of suddenly becoming crap at football.

X-Rated Tabloid for a dirty tackle

Xenophobia See Powell, Jeff

XXX Descriptive of
a) a tackle
b) a video involving Kieron Dyer

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