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THE FOOTBALLER’S ALPHABET – I IS FOR

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I What there isn't in "team" but there is in "win", according to David Brent. Sorry, Dave Jones.

Iceman Any blonde Scandinavian player.

Idiots, You'se Are All F****** Superb outburst from Sir Fergie when some gentleman of the press dared to question the poor form of his hugely expensive Argentinian white elephant. Even more amusingly, Veron himself admitted that he'd had a poor season about a week later.

In All But Name, Premiership Club Term used by players or managers taking a step down the divisions when it is clear that they are simply not good enough for the real thing. Often coupled with talk of "ambition", a "world class set up" and, in extreme cases, "everything from the Chairman and the directors to the tea ladies is Premiership standard". See Wanderers, Wolverhampton; City, Manchester.

Inamoto, Junichi One of the stars of the World Cup, his performances were made even more enjoyable by the fact that Arsenal had, rather embarrassingly, told him to sling his hook shortly before competition began.

Ince, Paul Midfield battler famous for short fuse, posing in Man United shirt while still a West Ham player, being disliked by all his former clubs, wanting to be known as the Guv'nor and being drummed out of ManYoo for being "a big time Charlie". Second only to Terry Butcher in bloody-but-unbowed national pride stakes, specifically after 0-0 draw in Rome with Italy.

Incident, I Did Not See Ze French for "thank God that dirty bastard's on our team".

In-ger-land Witty way of writing 'England', used by Daily Mail columnist types to show just how ignorant/thuggish supporters of said national team are.

In, Get Cry popular with Sunday League strikers who have just crashed home a three-yarder.

In, It's Gone High-pitched cry issued by commentators when a seemingly innocuous pass back/shot/cross/throw-in unexpectedly ends up in the back of the net. Usually met with confusion by the conceding team and fans, and laughter by the opposition. See Enckelman, Peter.

Ingelsias, Julio Spanish crooner and crumpet-devourer who man in pub types always say played in goal for Real Madrid. Has annoying son who's trying to make a name for himself off the back of his father's fame. See Cruyff, Jordi.

Injury Used to mean broken bones, paralysis or entirely severed limbs before discovery in mid-eighties of tendons, ligaments, strains and tweaks. See Anderton, Darren. Also thing that happens to Ryan Giggs whenever Wales are playing.

Injury Crisis Handy explanation for a recent embarrassing defeat. For top clubs this can mean fielding a non-international player.

Injury Time Unspecified period added on to enable Man United to draw/win football match

Injustice Systematic campaign that befalls every single football manager, all of whom are being singled out for personal ill-treatment.

Inside Much-loved temporary home of the game's characters after being caught drink driving for the fourth time. Also place where, according to the average autobiography, most players would have ended up if it hadn't been for football. (Except, of course, for Michael Owen)

Inside Right/Left, Old Fashioned Ron favourite to describe position between centre forward and winger which no longer has a name under that new-fangled 4-4-2. See also Channels, Running The.

Insult Any salary offer of less than 50k a week.

Intelligent A player with no pace, shooting, strength or dribbling skills but instead the ability to kick the ball into empty spaces for team-mates to reach. See Role, The Teddy Sheringham

Internazionale Pretentious way of saying Inter Milan, much beloved of Brian Glanville and others who would have you believe that Italian football is superior in every way to English, despite the obvious counter-arguments of extreme tedium, constant cheating and breath-taking cynicism. See Rossoneri, The; Tifosi, La; Viola, La and English, For Christ's Sake Can't You Write In.

Intertoto Cup European competition designed to help Aston Villa lose to previously unknown Scandinavian clubs in the first round of the UEFA Cup.

Inzaghi Brothers Pretty but over-rated Italians with propensity for falling over and relentless pleading with referees. Rumours that their papa is Inzaghi Inzaghi proved to be unfounded.

Ipswich Homely club from part of the country where tractors still considered the most practical and stylish means of getting from A to B. Achieved unprecedented domestic and European success under guidance of Sir Bobert Robson, but high-flying exploits of two seasons ago seem unlikely to be repeated after appointment of Royle, Big Joe.

Ireland, Republic Of
1) Small nation with limited playing pool that frequently punches above its weight in international competition.
2) Potentially top level football nation whose chances are ruined by incompetent manager, unfair ditching of best player and poor organisation.

Ireland, Northern Small and really quite bad footballing country.

Irony Football word for coincidence.

Irwin, Denis Ever-reliable Manchester United full-back, mysteriously let go by Fergie, thus causing over-reliance on Phil Neville and Mikael Silvestre. Strange resemblance to Barry Bulsara.

Iscariot, Judas Term used by fans to welcome old players back to their ground, particularly if they have joined local rivals.

Italy A country aptly shaped as a stiletto-booted foot kicking a ball, thus denoting the natives' genuine love of calcio and also the strange femininity of some of their players.

Iversen, Steffen Ever-pubescent, acned, Norwegian frontman. Seen by Spurs fans as a good stop-gap striker until the signing of a world class forward to herald the return of the glory years. Consequently fast approaching his testimonial year. See Rivaldo; Morientes; Signed, You Almost.

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