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THE FOOTBALLER’S ALPHABET – J & K IS FOR

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Jackson, Michael Once-popular, once-black recording artist whose friendships with fellow oddballs Uri Geller and Mohamed Fayed occasionally see him turn up at football grounds. Also subject of still-funny West Ham-related joke. See Bubbles, I’m Forever Blowing.

James, David Absurdly good-looking goalkeeper fonder of computer games than high balls into the box. See Cold, Couldn’t Catch A; Shot-Stopper, But He’s A Great

Jammy Adjective used by Arsenal and England fans to describe ‘git’ or ‘bastard’ who beats David Seaman from range ie. unsportingly does not hold up sign saying ‘I’m going to shoot now, David. Are you ready?’

Japan Co-hosts of the 2002 World Cup whose ridiculous time zone forced 10am hangovers. Home of thousands of screaming female fans who apparently licked the seats of toilets that may, or may not, have been touched by Golden Balls.

Jason Christian name of poor Premiership footballers prevalent in the Nineties. See Lee; McAteer; Wilcox, all Jason.

Jeffers, Francis Jug-eared former Everton footballer who is not Gary Lineker. See Stretcher, You’re Going Home On A.

Jermaine Only first name considered by parents of aspiring footballers 18-20 years ago. Adopted when it was discovered that Jason didn’t work.

Jersey Alternative name for football shirt. Almost always coveted and oddly only seems to come in Number One and Number Nine styles.

Jinx Football-speak for losing more than once.

Jism Plays in goal for Arsenal.

John, Elton Former chairman of Watford whose homosexuality prompted puzzling chants of ‘Don’t Sit Down When Elton John’s Around’ from opposing fans. Now works as Arsene Wenger’s assistant at Arsenal.

Jones, Vinnie Professional kicker, pretend henchman and name-dropper. Described by former Aston Villa defender Shaun Teale as a ‘first-class prat’.

Jordan Pneumatic exercise machine favoured by Dwight Yorke and many others.

Journeyman Polite name for footballer who is not really very good. See Commitment, 100%; Play, Have Boots Will; Palmer, Carlton;

Juninho Sage-faced but boy-bodied South American midget who ran away to join the circus and duly ended up at Bryan Robson’s Middlesbrough. Managed to escape, but was recaptured and threatened with being fed to Mark Crossley. Can also be pronounced by English commentators as Jujinho, Jinho, Jourjinio and The Little Brazilian Lad.

Juventus Magnificent Italian Serie A club famous for stealing stripes from Notts County and boasting football’s worst nickname – The Old Lady. See Tractor Boys, The; Posh (pending judicial proceedings).

Kanu, Nwankwo Gangly Nigerian Arsenal striker with first name so amusing that club persuaded him to drop it shortly after arrival in England.

Keane, Roy Irish folk hero who immortalised himself with scathing attacks on "the prawn sandwich" brigade at Old Trafford, Alfie-Inge Haaland, Alan Shearer, Jason McAteer and, of course, that "f***ing English c***." Some Keane targets got it via his kick-and-tell autobiography, others via the more direct method of on-pitch ultra-violence.

Keegan, Kevin Loveable but ultimately clueless football manager famous for "I would love it" outburst, always wanting to play nine attacking players at once, quitting at Wembley and admitting that he "wasn't good enough", bubble perm in seventies and napping in a lay-by.

Keown, Martin Monkey Man, stalwart of the Arsenal defence, soon to retire to the jungle.

Kewell, Harry Leeds United winger previously referred to in the tabloid press as "The Wizard Of Oz" and said to be "the new Ryan Giggs". Now well on his way to being known as "the new Lee Sharpe".

Kickaball, Carlos Yet another player who nearly signed for Spurs.

Kicked In., You're Going To Get Your F***ing Head Popular ditty at football matches in the 1970's and 1980's.
See also Ambulance, You're Going Home In A F***ing and Station, You'll Never Make It To The

"Killer Instinct" Phrase used by football pundits to describe the way the ball flukily skimmed off, for example Andy Cole's nose: "That boys got the killer instinct" (Must be said in a Scottish accent).

King, Ledley Young defender who not-bitter-at-all Spurs fans insist is actually better than Sol Campbell. Presumably due for a free transfer to Arsenal any day soon, then.

Kinkladze, Georgi Outrageously talented relegation omen. At last count his record was three in seven. Run close by Ravanelli, Fabrizio and Redfearn, Neil.

Klinsmann, Jurgen Generously-hootered, faux hippy German thespian whose greatest performance was as 'The Boy Who Cried Wolf' at the Villa Park theatre when he was knocked unconscious by Mark Bosnich and nobody noticed for five minutes. See Dived, He F***ing

Klose, Miroslav The Polish born football player who scored five goals (all headers!) for Germany in the 2002 World Cup and finished the competition as the third highest goal scorer. He was unheard of prior to the World Cup and hasn’t been heard of since either.

Knighton, Michael Delightfully bonkers chairman of Carlisle and friend of aliens. Nearly bought ManYoo a few years back for roughly the price of a Gary Neville duvet set now.

Kung-Fu Ancient martial art practised by Eric Cantona on Crystal Palace

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