Barking At The Moon

My friend, in farming at the moment, received a cheque for £3,000 from the Government for not rearing pigs. I now want to go into the "not rearing pigs business". In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and what is the best breed of pigs not to rear?

I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all Government policies as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy. I would prefer to not rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not to be
reared, then I will just as gladly not rear porkers.

Is there any advantage in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are too many people already not rearing these? As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any government local authority courses on this?

My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for 20 years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968, until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.

If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100 pigs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 the first year. Then I can afford to buy an aeroplane.

Now another thing, these pigs that I will not rear will not eat 2000 tons of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals not to feed 4000 pigs I am not going to rear?

I am also considering the not milking cows business, so send me any information you have on that too. Also, please can I have the government propaganda on fields set aside? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis on virtual reality fields? In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will qualify for full unemployment benefits.

Rest assured I will consider you when I vote at the next election.