The fledgling language's single most indispensable element. Complex ronglish syntax rules state that 'tell you what'must preface every exclamation, statement of fact, or off-the-cuff remark. Be warned also that this landmark phrase can signal the beginning of an extended tirade of pure Ronglish.

Ron might say: Tell you what, spotter's badge for Zola early doors, Hasselbaink's given it the full gun, and there's Wisey sneaking in at the second post.

Mrs Ron might say: Tell you what, that dress is a bit tasty Ron. Get your wallet out... and mind your back love.

Ronglish points: **********

Ronglish's flagship has been adopted by all manner of pundit and punter. Gray has checked in for 'tell you what' addiction treatment, wily campaigners like Beglin, Hansen and Lawrenson always have one to hand, and even jokers like Welsh and Cooney occasionally pretend to be professional broadcasters and try one out for size.

Fast-moving Ron is particularly skeptical of the Beautiful Game's less lively protagonists. The poet of the gantry has a host of barbed dismissals in his locker, but "in installments" is reserved for displays of ground-breaking slowness.

Ron might say: Tell you what, I know Big Quinny's lightning slow but he was JCBing it there. Reckon I've seen the QE2 turn faster and the big lad's gone in the box in installments.

Mrs Ron might say: Blimey Ron, get a move on love. You're peeling those spuds in installments. It's help, for a start, if you got rid of some of those rings.

Ronglish points: ***

"Installments" has become extremely popular with the kind of pundit who might also suggest that wingers go down "like a sack of spuds". Stand up Jim Beglin. We reckon though that the whole slowness area is one on which Ron must keep working, if only to beat off competition from the classic Dunphy description of a tardily diving goalie - "He's gone down like a roll of lino".

In some of daring Ron's less politically correct moments, he evokes the memory of the unfortunate crooner's airborne demise, to paint a picture of any sudden descent to earth. In an ironic twist, many of the charlatans whose tumbles Ron has likened to Holly's, emerge gleefully unscathed - in marked contrast to Buddy's fatal freefall.

Ron might say: Tell you what, I know the lad's got a nudge early doors, but big Heskey's gone down like Buddy Holly there.

Ron should probably say: Oops a daisy, big Heskey's taken a tumble there but it looks innocuous. Quite unlike that horrible air crash that claimed the life of popular entertainer Buddy Holly many years ago. Lord rest him.

Ronglish points: 0

Quite properly, most pundits have given the "Buddy Holly" a wide berth. It is even suggested that Ron might be responsible for Dennis Bergkamp's alleged newfound fear of diving. Still genius though.

Child at heart Ron recalls the - mercifully brief - glory days of would-be entertainer Timmy Mallett, to rebuke players who react less than brightly when presented with a goalscoring opportunity.

Ron might say: Tell you what, Clive, little Scholesy's done wonders there to ghost in and pop that off. Just a shame Coley's not in the wide awake club tonight.

Mrs Ron might say: Nightmare day at the sales, Ron. First, I've broken a heel down Marks and Sparks and gone down like Buddy Holly. Fraid I was so shaken, I missed the last of those sheepskins you fancied. Just wasn't in the wide awake club, dear.

Ronglish points: **

No harm in trying Ron, but no comeback beckons for the former breakfast-time irritant. Still, as an avid follower of the Mallett career, Ron is expected to utter any day now, "..great strike but just an itsy bitsy teeny weeny bit wide".