Ron's rather uneconomical alternative for the times when he finds the word 'early' on its own somehow doesn't quite get across the earliness of the situation.

Ron might say: Well United went one down early doors, but all credit, those four penalties certainly got them back in it.

Mrs Ron might say: Sorry about your steak Ron, love. I've put it in the oven early doors but I forgot to turn it on, didn't I? Just one of those things, at the end of the day.

Point of interest: A DangerHere correspondent who has watched too much football has said at a job interview: Well, I've come out of college and I've gone into telesales early doors.

Ronglish points: ******

Possibly Ron's finest hour. A completely useless phrase unanimously adopted by everyone in football, as well as everyone at DangerHere Towers, and most of the English-speaking world. Though sadly not quite so ubiquitous that our man got that job.

Ron's gangsta tendencies come to the fore with this succinct description of a powerful shot. Curiously, this is normally used only when, despite the fullness of the gun, the brave custodian manages to thwart the violent assault on goal.

Ron might say: Blimey, Parlour's given that the full gun, but it's gone straight down Flowers' throat.

Mrs Ron might say: Bless my soul Ron, I've come unstuck on the M1 again. I'd just given your new Beamer the full gun when the filth arrived on the scene. If it happens again, they reckon I'm doing porridge mate.

Ronglish points: *

Ron always likes to give it a bit of Hollywood but this movie reference evokes sad memories of the big man's alleged failure to cut the mustard as a terrified villager in the first Indiana Jones film. Nowadays, every packed goalmouth reminds Ron of what might have been. Still the silver screen's loss is comic co-commentary's gain.

Ron might say: Rivaldo's loaded that in the mixer again but the way Liverpool are defending, it's a (sob) crowd scene in there.

Mrs. Ron might say: Enough's enough Ron. Get Marshey and the rest out of my kitchen quick smart. It's a crowd scene in there and I've got our Tracy coming round.

Ronglish points: ***

The rich visual content of the Ronglish vocabulary is showcased with this delightful description of a glancing backward header. Often used in conjunction with 'second post'.

Ron might have said in 1989: It's gone in there, little eyebrows from Bouldy and there's big Tone steaming in at the second post.

Ron might say in 2001, despite Arsenal not having scored in this fashion for several centuries: The Arsenal are great in these positions, Clive. Just needs a little eyebrows at the first post and big Tone will be in round the back.

Ronglish points: *

Possibly because of the sheer degree of difficulty, nobody has yet attempted to pull off the 'little eyebrows'. It's possible also that Andy Gray has been deterred only because he can't get out of his mind the anything-but-little eyebrows, sported by Richard Keys.

Much as he likes a player to have a trick "in his locker", suspicious Ron is wary of the gent who sells one lollipop too many at the expense of "knocking it out of his feet" and "having a dig". Such dilettantes are dismissed as amusement arcades.

Ron might say: Alright, the big Nigerian's a crowd pleaser, Clive, but by 'eck he can be a bit of an amusement arcade. Go on son, give it the full gun!

Mrs Ron might say: Ron love, that new Au Pair's got to go and no mistake. All right, she keeps you entertained with a few card tricks of an evening but look at the state of my kitchen floor. And what about those pans? Mark my words, that girl's just an amusement arcade.

Ronglish points: **

A recent classic from the king of guff. We expect Ron to shortly bring this favourite into the technology age, by making David Ginola the first Sony Playstation to play in the Premiership.