A bloke on his way home from work in Manchester comes to a dead halt in traffic on Deansgate, and thinks to himself, Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks: "Officer what's the hold up?"

The officer replies: "It's a scouser, he's just so depressed about losing an 11 point lead to Manchester United and the prospect of winning f**k all after gobbing off all November and December, he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him, his Everton mates are all laughing at him and he has never had a job, I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really?" says the executive "How much have you collected so far?".

"So far," replies the policeman "Only about three hundred litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning."