Tuesday 14th August, 2001 FIJI

Arrived at Nadi airport to be greeted by Nick, fresh from his marathon journey from London, who presented me with a chain of shells whilst the band serenaded us! We Are staying at the Pacific Safari Club on the South coast of the main island. We are paying 7 quid a night each for 5 star accommodation and I'll give you Nick's version of our events so far.... Please take the following information as not strictly accurate but mostly true....

Rich came off his flight last, and eventually we headed to the south of the island. In the evening, we went for a drink with some of the other guests at our hotel, where Rich fancies his chances with Lisa (Space cadet), and the other 4 birds, now to be known as "Skanks". It is however clear that everyone is going home alone.

Wednesday 15th August

RAIN. All thoughts of a lazy day by the pool are scuppered. Of the 5 birds who went for a drink last night, two have gone, and with Space cadet on another planet, we assign ourselves the other two. Rich gets oriental bird, and I get greek bird. How will it turn out?

It doesn't. Greek bird is fascinated with Don Johnson, the ageing american surf dude, while Rich and me get caught up in a Football and bastard foreigners debate with Steve, a Leeds fan. His wife is not amused, and divorce is on the cards, when we arrange a night of beer and darts for tomorrow.

Thursday 16th August

RAIN. Instead of lazing about by the pool, ha!, we go for a ride with the two girls, and a fijian taxi driver called Bobby. After driving around some villages, we go to a firewalking ceremony, where Rich reveals that oriental bird has in fact had a pair of knickers in her coat hood all day (she will now be known as pants on head bird). Greek bird nearly causes a diplomatic incident, telling Bobby that Fijians are all undemocratic terrorists, but thankfully shuts up just in time.

We are informed that pants on head bird is celebrating her third anniversary with the son of Ron Noades (palace and brentford chairman), and for tonight he will be played by politically unsound bird. Rich's eyes glaze with thoughts of girl-girl, girl-boy, girl-boy-girl combos. Later we are joined by Koo (american / jap), and a surf ie twat from leicester, called (you wont believe this) KYLIE SKIPPER !

Steve, our new best mate from Leeds, agrees that the two birds need a right good rooting.

Saturday 18th August

We leave the pacific safari club, and head for the main town of nadi. We try to catch the bus, but it does not stop, as there is a big rugby game on. We share a taxi with 2 yanks, and are pleased to note that the bus we missed collapsed onto 3 wheels halfway there. Stopping for one night was probably all we could manage here, as we do not feel too safe amongst the many political rallies going on at the moment. We are advised to go to the local disco "carribean jungle" by an aussie rugby player, but we are the only white people in there amongst probably 100 men. I think we were stitched upl

Sunday 19th August.

At last we are cooking on gas. We arrive on Beachcomber island (you will see this on postcards we are sending ). Sun is shining, weather is hot as the song goes. We have landed in paradise. The place is crawling with 19-20 year olds, all up for a non stop party.

After getting our bearings, we decamp to the beach and relax. It turns out that we need this, as after sleepy Pacific Harbour, this place is exhausting. After leaving the beach, we share a Fijian sunset together AS MATES DO! and later, the entertainment begins. Beer flows, Bula is danced ( sort of like Whigfield's Saturday Night ), birds are oggled, more beer flows.

International crab racing captures the imagination of the crowd, where we pay $25 for Amber the Spanish crab. Fond memories of crabs from spain, eh Rich. Amber as it turns out is a slut. Instead of gainfully charging to the finish line, she decides to shag Viking the Norwegian crab at the start line. We have pimped her out to a Scandinavian crab molesterl We finish the night singing songs with the scots.

Our rowdiness prompts the Canadians to fetch a hose pipe, and start a massive water fight. Saturated, we end up in a beach but with 2 girls from new zealand, and finish off their duty frees.

Our list of invites to visit people is coming along nicely.