I'm not sure if she was a lesbian before she got on the bus, or whether the site of 3 sweaty, drooling English lads swiftly turned her, but either way, we were getting diddly squat!

Back on the bus, and up to Namoi Hills Cattle Station in Dingo, Queensland. It was like Beachcomber Island revisited as we spent all night playing stupid games, and getting very drunk. Now, if your squeamish, look away now. At one point in the proceedings, I took part in a sexy dancing competition, was in the last 4, down to my trousers, and about to go further, when I was hauled off the table. Something to do with the Trades Description Act, I think I heard.
OK, it's safe to look again.

We also spent half an hour LINE DANCING in our newly acquired cowboy hats. You really shouldn't have looked yet, should you? (All very reminiscent of the incident in Sydney, isn't it ?).

The following morning, we are hearded round the 10,000 acre property in a cattle waggon, to be trained as Jackeroo's (Aussie cowboys). To be fair, Rich took to this like a duck to water, handling the leather, curling one out, and blowing a long sticky thing. I'm not sure what he was doing, but he claims that he was, cracking a whip, throwing a boomerang, and playing the Didgeridoo, a likely story! I on the other hand, spent 2 hours flaying the skin off my arms, inventing a new bouncing boomerang, and making farting sounds into a big pipe. At this point it is worth pointing out that the temperature out there had just reached 45 C. That's 113 degrees Fahrenheit, and it's not summer yet! We will, as Rich keeps reminding me, die horribly up Uluru (Ayers Rock).

If we don't die before that is. We are going on a 3 day sailing trip round the Whitsunday Islands tomorrow, and have just seen a Swedish guy with his arm in a sling. He scrambled off a boat called "Pride of Airlie" yesterday, shortly before it became the latest Great Barrier Reef Dive site!

Nick.

Airlie Beach, Queensland 19.11.01 weather - fucking hot!

Australia is a bloody dangerous place - Here are a few examples based on my own experiences.

Firstly, I was sat near the beach at Byron Bay tucking into a sandwich when I noticed a huge snake heading in my direction. I'm not saying I was scared but let's just say that if you'd have had a video camera Jeremy Beadle would now be rewarding you with 250 quid!

Secondly, I met a girl from Bristol who had been bitten by a poisonous spider in Airlie Beach and had to be rushed into hospital for an emergency adreneline injection.

Thirdly, I was offered a fight by a couple of locals who didn't take kindly to my Union Jack bandana (I know, but I am on holiday!) as England whipped some Aussie butt in the rugby. Christ they're worse losers than Nick when I kick his butt at pool!

And finally, as Nick mentions below there was a couple of big sailing boats collided and sank yesterday and lots of tourists were injured and could easily have been killed. I was lying next to Airlie Beach at about 3.30 am this morning watching a spectacular meteor shower when a couple started having sex about 5 meters away - charming! So I made my leave and walked back with a Swedish bloke with his arm in a sling, telling me how he had nearly died at sea today!

However, I do love Australia. There is something so appealing to me, a natural worrier, about a place where everyone walks around saying 'no worries' all the time!

Rich.

Avast me Hearties !

'Twas the 20th day in November that our trusty vessel " Hammer " set sail from Airlie on our voyage of discovery round the Whitsunday Islands. Following in Capt Cooks footsteps (not literally, we would drown, it's not like we're Cloughie or anything is it?) we drew anchor and with God's breath (sailors term for wind) rounded the cape. 1st officer Dracott immediately began hoisting the headsail with a cabin girl called Annie, while bilge rat Bagust skulked about below decks complaining of low beams. Within 5 minutes of our journey there was a sweepstake seeing how many times he would crack his bonce !

The sun was unforgiving for the crew, but as Hook island hoved into view, some respite was afforded with the chance to explore the great barrier reef. And so with air tanks filled, we sank to the bottom of the sea to discover a whole new world. 100's of different corals in all imaginable colours and 1000's of types of marine life made for a truly spectacular scuba diving experience !